The Importance of Learning to Spot Aspergers Syndrome

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2017

If you are a parent of boys, understanding this could help you spot whether your child fits the description so you can help them early. If you are married, this might sound like your spouse. If you are a single person who is dating - you will run across people, particularly men, who are on the spectrum but they may not even know it. It probably isn't visible or as easy to recognize as with Dr. Shaun Murphy on the tv show, "The Good Doctor" who is autistic with Savant Syndrome. But I believe everyone needs to learn to recognize it. Police even need to learn to recognize it so they don't misunderstand a situation involving someone with Aspergers and don’t overreact as they are prone to do.  The whole world could stand to be more understanding and patient with people with disorders over which they have no control.

Imagine going through your life with an undiagnosed high-functioning autistic spectrum syndrome that affects every area of your life, makes you different, but you don't know why and neither do others around you. You are probably regarded as being somewhat eccentric, a little odd, or a loner. Why should you know how to spot a man (or woman) who has Asperger’s Syndrome? Relationships are all about communication. Yet, autism spectrum disorders (ASDs), which include Asperger’s Syndrome (AS), are all about communication challenges and lack of emotional understanding, an inability to be empathic, or to read subtle ambiguous cues. Nonverbal communication and social cues will go right by an Aspie. He may have strict routines or rituals and have a hard time with change or transitions. Starting to recognize someone in your life? That wouldn't be surprising. According to the Autism Society,  Asperger's syndrome is five times more common in boys than in girls. In recent years, the number of autism spectrum disorders has increased dramatically in the U.S. The most recent studies show that one out of every 110 children in the U.S. has an autism spectrum disorder.

According to the National Autistic Society, autism is an incurable developmental disability, in which one’s ability to communicate and relate to the outside world is impaired, meaning empathy (the drive to identify with others’ emotions), socialising and picking up on social cues, such as subtlety or irony, are virtually impossible. They are often quite brilliant and see connections that others may not see (Small list of people with Aspergers: Temple Grandin, PhD, James Taylor, Bill Gates, Daryl Hannah, Dan Aykroyd, Andy Kaufman, Courtney Love, Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Andy Warhol, and Isaac Asimov,to name just a few.)

People with Asperger’s syndrome (typically men) do not possess “Theory of Mind” abilities, which means they aren’t able to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires and intentions of other people in order to make sense of their behavior. The result is a person who is “mindblind,” which means blindness to another person’s needs, feelings and desires. This adversely affects the important quality of empathy, which is vital to a successful and fulfilling relationship. Men with Asperger’s Syndrome are not able to recognize their own lack of empathy or their other deficits. They can come across as arrogant. Their speech is marked by the use of “technical” or “scientific” words, or even a “high-brow vocabulary,” like a professor. They often sound pretentious, although at first you may be too impressed to see it that way. They may have found way to cope with too much input or demands for verbal communication by retreating into their own world by, for instance, using earphones to listen to music, etc. or withdrawing to seek solitude and quiet. Some may have discovered a love for extensive traveling because the anonymity of being somewhere they aren't known reduces the demands of social situations and expectations that are uncomfortable or they can't control. They can relax and just be themselves.

They typically prefer nonverbal communication such as texting, chats, and email, finding social phone conversations much too difficult to navigate. Using online dating websites is probably a much easier and more comfortable way to explore the dating world than typical face-to-face venues where the subtleties of non-verbal communication elude and confuse them. They may have very few friends, preferring just one or two good friends. Those good friends usually are able to see the sometimes "child-like" qualities or sense of wonder of someone with Aspergers. They see the loyalty, kindness, naivety, and trust - sometimes too trusting. They just don't easily see guile in people They may also have a much higher level of empathy for others than neurotypical people typically do. They may not be able to recognize where someone is emotionally, but they do see the circumstance they are in and respond accordingly. If they see someone homeless, they will want to help and with consistent naïveté, believe that people are honest and genuine. However, in their areas of expertise, Aspies can be at the forefront of adult thought, showing great independence of mind.

Although Asperger's syndrome is related to autism, people who suffer from this condition do not have other developmental delays. They have normal to above average intelligence, sometimes quite brilliant in an area. They fail to meet the diagnostic criteria for any other pervasive developmental disorder. In fact, people with Asperger's syndrome often show intense focus, highly logical thinking, and exceptional abilities in math or science. Individuals at the most able end of the autistic spectrum have the most hidden form of this disorder, and as a result, these individuals and their family are often the most disadvantaged in terms of getting a diagnosis. Because they have higher IQs, high-functioning adults are able to work out ways to compensate for their difficulties in communication or in social functioning that are based on logical reasoning. If close to someone on the spectrum, you may notice some odd mannerisms of dress. They may prefer wearing the same thing all the time but only do so at home because they do know that's against social rules.

Have you witnessed an "Aspie meltdown" but didn't know what it was? They occur when the person becomes completely overwhelmed, scared, anxious, and temporarily lose control over his or her behavior. This can take the form of shouting, screaming, crying, kicking, lashing out, or head banging. Or it can be the opposite, such as refusing to interact, withdrawing completely or becoming mute. They aren't usually caused by one specific thing. Triggers build up until the person becomes so overwhelmed that they can't take in any more information. Meltdowns are not the same as temper tantrums, although they may appear similar. A meltdown is an intense response to situations that overwhelm one’s coping abilities. The person is literally unable to stop reacting to a complete assault on his or her psychological and physical systems. This is different from not getting one’s way and trying to manipulate people, the essence of temper tantrums. Because a person’s coping ability is overwhelmed during a meltdown, it is largely an involuntary response rather than a willful, intentional act. The person, to a large extent, does not have control over what is happening during the meltdown.

Starting to recognize your child? Your husband? Someone you dated? What a life of struggle they must have, trying to fit in in a neurotypical world. If they are undiagnosed they may suffer from depression or low self-esteem because they don't know "WHY" they don't fit in! The world doesn't quite make sense to them and they don't have the same understanding as someone who is "neuro-typical." How easy it would be to misunderstand - totally - a man such as this and assign to him a nefarious narrative out of ignorance of the truth. A truth that explains everything. Are you starting to "get it" girls? Imagine if this was your son or brother trying to navigate through a very risky and scary dating world. Can you imagine the misunderstandings that might arise with someone who doesn't even "get" subtle social cues like body language, facial expressions, touching, or typical romantic expressions. Your communication has to be black and white - exact. No ambiguity or mixed signals. Know anyone that this sounds like?  There are several people I truly hope find this post and read it through - and think about it.

http://heartlessaspergers.com/how-to-spot-a-man-with-aspergers-syndrome/

Finding Your Third Place

Finding Your Third Place

I read a book about 15 years ago by a sociologist named Ray Oldenburg. The book, The Great, Good Place, described what he called a "third place" which is that place between home and work where you feel anchored and part of a chosen community. A place similar to some of the TV sets of the hit sitcoms in the 80’s and 90’s like the Boston bar in Cheers, "where everyone knows your name;" Central Perk, on the hit show, Friends; and the booth at the corner diner on Seinfeld. Oldenburg's book inspired me around 2002 to want to create a so-called third place in the Northern Virginia area where we were living at the time, a place of driven and upwardly mobile professionals in ulcer-making jobs, most of them under the age of 40, with little or no sense of community in their lives, no connectedness to others, no place for conversation, no place to feel "rooted." A place where way too many people were on anti-depressants. Witnessing this, and having read Oldenburg’s book, I developed a passion for creating a coffeehouse to fill the perceived void - a place with no internet, with open mic nights and featuring live local musicians, a place for clubs and artists to congregate, clusters of seating to encourage conversation, game nights -- you get the picture.

My vision of a coffee shop third place never happened, but that passion still bubbles up from time to time when I see people who seem isolated and disconnected from community even though physically surrounded by people. It’s a longing you can see in the eyes. I get my connection primarily from my church and from the relationships with friends I have there. We get together in small groups to go out to eat, walk on the beach, or just hang out and chat. Meet-ups have become popular as people with common interests find others with similar interests to spend time with. In England social ties happen in pubs; France has cafés and Austria has coffee houses; Sweden has a national tradition called “fika” which essentially means break time where locals take a pause in the day to come together to drink coffee and eat pastries, discuss the news, and generally just catch up with each other. Once upon a time in America, back in my grandfather’s day, common third places included country stores, public parks, barber shops, hair salons, soda shops, taverns, and even large front porches where neighbors gathered. Where can those third places be found today?

I have a theory that social media, the great forum of the ego, has unfortunately become that place for a lot of people - especially young people. Conversation is becoming a lost art. We live for “likes and retweets.” We hashtag our thoughts and opinions. We walk, eat, and live with a smartphone or tablet in our hands spiritually separating us from each other. It is the great “dumbing down” of intellect and discourse. You've seen it - a family out to eat at a nice restaurant, each member sitting at the table looking down at a 2x4 inch rectangle instead of being in that moment with each other. I've even seen people on a date in the same posture of self-involvement. Then there are people who, obviously fearing insignificance, enlist obnoxious and narcissistic “selfie-sticks” to document and post every waking moment in their quest to be an "influencer"; do we really need those kind of influencers in our lives?

It's my feeling that social media is crippling us as a community of humans in ways we don't yet fully comprehend - perhaps fated to eventually becoming a clinical disorder or syndrome. It may have broadened our social interactions, but they have become shallower. Our friends, therapists, and validators have become faceless people with screen names in chat rooms. What effect is this having on young people and their healthy socialization, and developing sense of self-worth and character? It’s too easy for socially awkward teens to have insincere virtual relationships and avoid social interaction that would actually help them to develop more fully and give them a healthy perspective. It’s too easy for bullies to become cyber-bullies. It’s too easy for intimacy and privacy to be violated by a compromising photo or video. There is already evidence that young people absorbed in hundreds of social media transactions per day are becoming less and less empathetic and more egocentric and superficial. Some are also becoming more and more depressed with a vague undefinable sense of hopelessness and disconnection.

Years ago I was sitting in a coffee shop close to the college where I worked in Virginia where I observed two female students who were friends, sitting at a narrow table facing each other with their laptops open in front of them, not speaking. At first, I assumed they were each doing their studies, but soon discovered they were actually texting back and forth while facing each other with less than 30-inches separating them! I found it astounding at the time, and that was 10 years ago.

Then there were the husband and wife who lived next door. I went to visit the wife but ended up talking to her back as she would never disengage from the virtual world in which she was fully absorbed. Her husband, downstairs on his computer, and she upstairs, communicated through computer messages. I eventually left but I’m not sure she ever noticed.

There are lots of people who judge their social success by how many Facebook friends they have. But are these people really friends or just loosely defined acquaintances at best? Will these virtual friends show up for you, even when you are going through a hard time or at your worst or will they just text a sad face emoticon? We need friends who will hold our hand when we cry, or lay down beside us and just listen. That kind of friendship takes investment – sending a text just requires opposing thumbs. We all have an innate need to be heard and validated, for people to care about what we have to say or how we feel. We likewise need a place to give of ourselves in unselfish ways in the give and take of true integrated community. It helps us have a sense of our place and worth in the world. To feel grounded.

Social platforms meet a need but are poor substitutes for the kind of face-to-face interaction that we really crave. Being too immersed in a digital world can almost become pathological and makes us not present in the real world, not present with each other. True third places are a face-to-face phenomenon, places that nurture discourse and foster friendships. Places of emotional connection and social integration. A place to touch and be touched in a warm hug or friendly handshake. The pace of life has increased and our time seems scarce and precious, but we need to slow down – we need a reason to slow down – a place to slow down - to satisfy that human craving for connection and true community. Perhaps in disconnecting occasionally from our devices and looking up we would find what we’ve been missing – a friend, instead of just a contact. There is an Irish proverb that says, “It is in the shelter of each other that people live." Find your place - Find your people - and CONNECT.

#blessed

12/10/12
No matter where you are in life, God has a plan. Sometimes he interrupts "your" plans to get your attention. His ways are not our ways. His plans are not our plans. I've been thinking about Mary, a young Jewish teenager of about 14 or so excitedly planning her wedding to Joseph. Until those plans got interrupted in a pretty big way. She's pregnant, and yet still a virgin! What must her shocked parents have thought, or her poor fiance?! God had a plan, and it was a better plan. He wanted to save the world. When God interrupts your life, your plans, sometimes you just have to hang on and trust Him. We now have a voice that wasn’t there prior to our suffering.

 #Blessed is in vogue on social media. I see it attached to a lot of things and events. Wedding #Blessed! New job #Blessed! Won the lottery #Blessed! Perfect family #Blessed! Living the dream #Blessed!

Do you ever see social media tags that say "Fire destroyed my home #Blessed!"  "My husband died too early and I'm alone #Blessed!" "My son is in prison #Blessed!" "I had a miscarriage #Blessed!" "I have breast cancer #Blessed!" "My daughter's an addict #Blessed!" "Our son was born with Downs Syndrome #Blessed!" ?

That's called life interrupted. Will you still trust God when bad things happen - "when the trials in your life are God's mercies in disguise?" This song really speaks to me- "Blessings" by Laura Story. Maybe it will speak to you too if your plans have been interrupted. This Christmas season, think about a 14 year old unwed mother whose plans and life were interrupted and she gave birth to the Savior of the world.  #trustinggod
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ