Encouragement for a distant cousin whom I've never met...

I know how overwhelming it can all be but we must be resilient and stay engaged. Stay engaged with friends and family, stay engaged with new opportunities and with things that make you happy, and stay engaged with hope. Stuff happens in life, to the majority of people at one time or another. Bad things. Tragic things. Unfair things. Native Americans are robbed and marginalized. People groups are enslaved. Isis beheads innocent mothers' children. Earthquakes destroy cities and kill people. Children die from abuse. Young men die in unfair wars. Children are born with horrible birth defects. People are starving. Innocent people are violently killed. On and on - it's in the news every night. There's no shortage of bad news. It's always been part of the human experience. Instead of getting a break when we need it most, the world seems to push, twist, and pull us until we’re at our breaking point. Each jab feels like a personal attack. We hunker down. Sometimes we withdraw, which I hear a lot in what you are saying. Trust me, I relate. But truly, it's in these dark waters that threaten to drown us that we connect to the fragility and good things, even the privilege of everyday life and need to push off from the bottom and fight our way back to the surface.

And we survive. Despite all the bad things, we are alive. We have to give ourselves permission to embrace that life and seek happiness and peace.

The strangest thing about life is that it goes on. Even when faced with emotional pain, trials and turmoil that feels intolerable, life continues.

And here's the truth, good stuff also happens and it's right there mixed in with the bad! The trick is to rise above the noise, sit in the treetops and get a better perspective from a different vantage point. My biggest higher vantage point is Jesus. He said, in this world you will have trouble. Man, was he right about that! But he also said to be exceedingly happy because he will/does overcome the world. That means in the end, good soundly beats evil. Also get people in your corner, we help each other in the journey. I started a small support group and we have become like sisters, walking together with elbows linked for strength. Sometimes when you've spent some time in the depths it takes a team effort to right the ship. Find your team, your "people".

All the unexpected, unwelcome, unhappy circumstances of the last four years has also sparked some good things for me. It challenged me to grow in so many ways, it's made me stronger, it's made me more compassionate and aware of other people's struggles so I can respond more effectively. I've been so loved and cared for by people I didn't know before tragedy struck. They are there for you if you let them in. Look at the fact that you and I are connected through DNA, through blood. But the connection that matters, the one we feel is the connection of shared pain. That can be a kind of gift if you let it. You understand, so you can be available to hold the hand of another person and help bring them out of the darkness. You have to take down the walls though, cousin.  You have to give yourself permission to heal. Don't become a martyr. Be kind to yourself, and be happy. I hear and feel your bitterness. I recognize it because I was there. Every now and then I wade back into that pool of pain because I start focusing on the horrible, the powerlessness, the unfairness, and it once again threatens to suck me down -- if I let it.  Primarily I try to find something every day that I'm thankful for and be very aware of it because there are things there. I've learned it's not reasonable to be happy all the time so I really pay attention and acknowledge it when I am.

I think when stuff like what happened in your family and what is happening in mine we go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. That last step doesn't mean you accept the unfair things that happen. It means you accept that it's not going to keep you on the ground. You can find ways to get back up, keep living, stay happy, and not let it swallow you. It's okay to be happy. I had to give myself permission to be happy. My misery and depression weren't helping me or the rest of my family.

My daddy was a wise man and very philosophical. One of the writers he read was Carl Jung. He underlined this quote in a book of his I have.

"I am not what happened to me. I am what I chose to become."

My father's father, Aultsey Gordon Smith, also your relative, never finished school, stopping at third grade to go to work in the mill, standing on a stool because he was still a child. He was married and raised children during the depression and the struggle was real. He coped by drinking and became an alcoholic. He was an angry alcoholic, not when I knew him, but when daddy was a boy. He was known to chase my dad with a knife when in the throes of the drink. My father could have been very damaged, become an alcoholic, abused his children, stayed angry at the unfairness of the world. Thankfully he didn't. He rose above it. He read and studied to understand it. He took control of his happiness and well-being. He became a pastor to help others going through it in this journey of life. It didn't break him - it made him.  I find it encouraging that in the only photo we have of our common Native American ancestor, Troy Cummings Smith, he is smiling and holding a guitar. That is highly unusual from a photo of that period. I think the guitar in his hands tells us, generations later, that music gave him joy. He was a happy man even though he had been treated very unfairly as a minority Indian, suffered because of prejudice, and had to radically alter his life because of the hate of other men. But music was so important that he wanted his picture made with it. He's giving us a message dear cousin. Be happy. Stuff happens, but rise above it, don't give yourself over to the darkness and misery. It's very much a choice. It's a choice you don't just make one time, but every day. Yeah, we've been pushed down to the ground, but we can show the haters of the world we are strong enough to stand back up. We have all the inner strength and perseverance it takes. That's in our DNA too.
Your distant cousin. Your fellow traveler. Your friend.

We are in each other's lives for a reason other than genealogy. Just know I hear you. I care. You'll get through this if you let yourself heal. Do what you love. Let go of anything that isn't serving you, and create a space in your life to welcome fulfillment and joy.