On Grief

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2014 

 "As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life."

The 5 Stages of Grief

Denial    Anger    Bargaining    Depression    Acceptance

I went through grief when my dad died in 2006, but I never thought about the stages of grief in the context I'm now having to understand it.  In fact, it has only now, almost 2 years after this began, that I am beginning to understand we have been in the throes of a grieving process most of that time. Everyone grieves differently and there is no way to prepare for it. It hits you how and when it hits you. It affects everyone differently, but from my experience, the stages remain the same. The grief we are feeling has a very specific cause and that is the one I'm going to address.

Denial

In January 2013 our oldest son received a surprise visit from the police and learned at that time that he had been accused of a horrible crime. He was at home studying for the doctoral course he was in as he neared completion of an Ed.D. in Organizational Leadership at Pepperdine. He was shocked and terrified like he had never been before that charges like these, untrue charges, were being made against him. He spoke freely to the police, having nothing to hide, and the police, unbeknownst to him, were taping every word with a recorder hidden in one of their pockets. Those words of a terrified and confused man were misrepresented and used against him at his trial 18 months later.

On January 23, 2013, he called us in Colorado Springs where we had moved to retire just a few months before. We heard the panic and fear in his voice as he described the surprise visit and the serious charges. We comforted and calmed him as best we could from a distance and a friend promised to stay with him till we arrived. We flew to San Diego the next morning and never went back.

We couldn't believe what was happening! It was shocking and surreal and otherworldly. I just kept thinking - I'll wake up and this will have just been a nightmare - and go back to my safe life in my safe bubble. How can life flip upside down and inside out so suddenly. There should be an easier transition into madness. My mind, emotions, body, spirit can't accept this - WE ARE JUST A NORMAL FAMILY!! THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO US!!!

Anger
I've never really hated anyone before. It's a new emotion and it’s a powerful emotion. I hate everyone involved with this. I'm angry at the deceit of the girls - the manipulation and lies of the police - the rush to judgement and prosecution of the prosecutor - the misinterpretation of facts - the innuendo and vile things they say about a man they don't know. I KNOW HIM! I'M HIS MOTHER! YOU CAN'T SAY THOSE UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT HIM! But they do...

Bargaining

This blog posting is not about the specifics of this nightmarish ordeal, but about our own grief process, as parents, as we were thrown into a situation we could never have imagined in our worst nightmares and one which we’re powerless against. One of the jobs of a parent, and one that doesn't emotionally end just because your children grow up into adults, is as their protector and advocate. We tried desperately to fall into that role but quickly learned these were matters outside of our control. When charges were finally formally made and our son was put in jail, we did what any parent would do, especially when you know the charges to be false. We invested all our resources into helping our son - mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial. We could not find a stopping place - when do you say, "We've done enough. He's on his own now."? Now the appeal starts so we will continue fighting and expending and hoping and investing and pleading and praying...

Depression
We lost - more specifically, our son lost. He lost everything that constitutes living except his breath. His life is over. That's how it feels anyway. Never again will he travel the world. Never again will he dress up as a shepherd on our families Christmas Eve nativity reenactment. Never again will he jog on the beach, cook his favorite meal, or go hear a symphony orchestra. Never again will he fish with his brother. Never again will he invest in volunteer work in his community. Never again will he sit at our table and share a meal. Never again will he enjoy quiet solitude. He will never fall in love and marry a wonderful woman, or cradle his babies in his arms or teach them to ride a bicycle, or beam with pride as they graduate. I will never hold the grandchildren that could have come from him. They are a lost potential.

Hopefully, with God's ever present help, he will find a new life and it will be a life of purpose with its own rewards. His faith will become even stronger. He will have meaningful work. With God's help he'll survive this horror. We will survive too. We have no choice. We are stronger. We are tighter as a family. Our marriage stronger. We value friends more and trust God more. Life is different though.

There is a sadness that I fear will never abate. There are times when the deep sorry bubbles out of me in unexpected moments and uncontrollably. The deep sobs and cascades of tears relieve the pressure in a cleansing way so I can keep going. I still laugh. I find myself humming, which is astounding to me. There are moments, brief moments, when I "feel" completely happy. I try and pay attention when they happen. Happiness isn't a constant state. We are more resilient than I ever thought we were capable of.

Acceptance
We will all be okay - eventually - but not yet.

One thing is true, we'll never be the same, and we won't be whole until he returns to us.

Brothers

My favorite photo of my sweet boys. They had put their arm around each other as they pondered an owl in the tree. It was a tender moment. 1981, N. Richland Hills, TX

A Bitter Pill

Bitterness and resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. It doesn't do anything to the person [or people], but it does everything to you. 

~ Nelson Mandela

People have to forgive. We don’t have to like them, we don’t have to be friends with them, we don’t have to send them hearts in text messages, but we have to forgive them, to overlook, to forget. Because if we don’t we are tying rocks to our feet, too much for our wings to carry!

~ C. Joybell C.

“With each opportunity before me, God presented me with a choice. I could accept His offerings, His wisdom, His grace. Or I could choose to hold onto the pain, the anger and the resentment a little longer.” 
― Sharon E. Rainey, Making a Pearl from the Grit of Life

“Do we really want to be rid of our resentments, our anger, our fear? Many of us cling to our fears, doubts, self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. It seems safer to embrace what we know than to let go of it for fear of the unknown. 
(Narcotics Anonymous Book/page 33)” 
― Narcotics Anonymous

“A shrink once told me that an expectation is a resentment waiting to be born.” 
― John Verdon, Shut Your Eyes Tight

Where's Your Treasure

I knew before catastrophe hit that I was storing up a little treasure on earth. I had hope in the world. I remember wondering at times if life was too easy and wondering when the axe was going to fall. The darkness was hidden from me...or maybe I just never looked. Well, the axe fell - hard. If I've learned anything it's that there is no hope in this fallen and broken world. Our treasure, our true treasure is in heaven where we will be one day. Walk lightly on this earth dear friends and don't put your hope here. This world can be a cruel teacher. There is no hope here. Do you want to be in His presence? Care about what Father cares about. People. Sow your seed in rich soil.

Put Away Riches in Heaven

¹⁹ “Do not put away riches for yourselves on earth. Moths and rust can destroy them. Thieves can break in and steal them.²⁰ Instead, put away riches for yourselves in heaven. There, moths and rust do not destroy them. There, thieves do not break in and steal them. ²¹ Your heart will be where your riches are.

No more junk!

One of the lessons we have learned with frequent moves since selling our Virginia house in 2012, is how unimportant so much of our 'stuff' is. I had already subscribed, in theory, to more of a minimalist lifestyle - simplification; quality rather than quantity. I have learned with every box I am STILL unpacking that my commitment to that lifestyle was only theoretical and not yet realized. I can tell you from experience that as you get older your superfluous stuff means less and less and eventually you start resenting its presence as you feel it's weight pressing in on you at a time you perhaps have less energy or want to spend your time building memories instead of dusting your junk. I bought the book THE MINIMALISTS, last year and read their blog regularly to see what inspiration and ideas I can glean. This one seemed like a good one to share if your closets, garages and cabinets are bursting with superfluous stuff like mine.

The Minimalists

Start With the Easy Stuff
By Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus

Baffled by life’s excess, we often look around at our piles of miscellanea and throw our hands in the air. There’s so much emotion - so many memories - wrapped up in our possessions.
Although of course, the memories aren’t in the possessions—they’re inside us. And that’s where they’ll always be. But, still, letting go is difficult. Difficult, yes; but not impossible.

Want to start simplifying? First, avoid starting with sentimental items and difficult-to-part-with objects; you’ll never get started if you’re faced with all that heavy lifting. And stay away from the most onerous rooms: basements, garages, and attics; they will only overwhelm you.
Instead, start with the easy things: the superfluous clothes jammed in the closet, the junk drawers teeming with junk, the unused kitchenware taking up space just in case.
If you begin with the things that are painless, then, as inertia takes over, simplifying gets easier by the day.

Moreover, the journey toward a simpler life is more enjoyable with an accountability partner. A new month is peeking its head around the corner, which means it’s the perfect time to play the 30-Day Minimalism Game. So grab a friend, clear the clutter, and have some fun together.