On Grief

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2014 

 "As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life."

The 5 Stages of Grief

Denial    Anger    Bargaining    Depression    Acceptance

I went through grief when my dad died in 2006, but I never thought about the stages of grief in the context I'm now having to understand it.  In fact, it has only now, almost 2 years after this began, that I am beginning to understand we have been in the throes of a grieving process most of that time. Everyone grieves differently and there is no way to prepare for it. It hits you how and when it hits you. It affects everyone differently, but from my experience, the stages remain the same. The grief we are feeling has a very specific cause and that is the one I'm going to address.

Denial

In January 2013 our oldest son received a surprise visit from the police and learned at that time that he had been accused of a horrible crime. He was at home studying for the doctoral course he was in as he neared completion of an Ed.D. in Organizational Leadership at Pepperdine. He was shocked and terrified like he had never been before that charges like these, untrue charges, were being made against him. He spoke freely to the police, having nothing to hide, and the police, unbeknownst to him, were taping every word with a recorder hidden in one of their pockets. Those words of a terrified and confused man were misrepresented and used against him at his trial 18 months later.

On January 23, 2013, he called us in Colorado Springs where we had moved to retire just a few months before. We heard the panic and fear in his voice as he described the surprise visit and the serious charges. We comforted and calmed him as best we could from a distance and a friend promised to stay with him till we arrived. We flew to San Diego the next morning and never went back.

We couldn't believe what was happening! It was shocking and surreal and otherworldly. I just kept thinking - I'll wake up and this will have just been a nightmare - and go back to my safe life in my safe bubble. How can life flip upside down and inside out so suddenly. There should be an easier transition into madness. My mind, emotions, body, spirit can't accept this - WE ARE JUST A NORMAL FAMILY!! THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO US!!!

Anger
I've never really hated anyone before. It's a new emotion and it’s a powerful emotion. I hate everyone involved with this. I'm angry at the deceit of the girls - the manipulation and lies of the police - the rush to judgement and prosecution of the prosecutor - the misinterpretation of facts - the innuendo and vile things they say about a man they don't know. I KNOW HIM! I'M HIS MOTHER! YOU CAN'T SAY THOSE UNTRUE THINGS ABOUT HIM! But they do...

Bargaining

This blog posting is not about the specifics of this nightmarish ordeal, but about our own grief process, as parents, as we were thrown into a situation we could never have imagined in our worst nightmares and one which we’re powerless against. One of the jobs of a parent, and one that doesn't emotionally end just because your children grow up into adults, is as their protector and advocate. We tried desperately to fall into that role but quickly learned these were matters outside of our control. When charges were finally formally made and our son was put in jail, we did what any parent would do, especially when you know the charges to be false. We invested all our resources into helping our son - mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial. We could not find a stopping place - when do you say, "We've done enough. He's on his own now."? Now the appeal starts so we will continue fighting and expending and hoping and investing and pleading and praying...

Depression
We lost - more specifically, our son lost. He lost everything that constitutes living except his breath. His life is over. That's how it feels anyway. Never again will he travel the world. Never again will he dress up as a shepherd on our families Christmas Eve nativity reenactment. Never again will he jog on the beach, cook his favorite meal, or go hear a symphony orchestra. Never again will he fish with his brother. Never again will he invest in volunteer work in his community. Never again will he sit at our table and share a meal. Never again will he enjoy quiet solitude. He will never fall in love and marry a wonderful woman, or cradle his babies in his arms or teach them to ride a bicycle, or beam with pride as they graduate. I will never hold the grandchildren that could have come from him. They are a lost potential.

Hopefully, with God's ever present help, he will find a new life and it will be a life of purpose with its own rewards. His faith will become even stronger. He will have meaningful work. With God's help he'll survive this horror. We will survive too. We have no choice. We are stronger. We are tighter as a family. Our marriage stronger. We value friends more and trust God more. Life is different though.

There is a sadness that I fear will never abate. There are times when the deep sorry bubbles out of me in unexpected moments and uncontrollably. The deep sobs and cascades of tears relieve the pressure in a cleansing way so I can keep going. I still laugh. I find myself humming, which is astounding to me. There are moments, brief moments, when I "feel" completely happy. I try and pay attention when they happen. Happiness isn't a constant state. We are more resilient than I ever thought we were capable of.

Acceptance
We will all be okay - eventually - but not yet.

One thing is true, we'll never be the same, and we won't be whole until he returns to us.